NYC proposes tax on all home purchases over 2.5E+13 DogelonMars

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# # # NT NEWSWIRE [NYC]

Not to let the crypto bros — if there are any left and they haven’t slung all of their resources into wildcat AI schemes — off the hook, New York City is now closing a loophole in its recently proposed Crash Pad Tax to snag some sweet crypto for the city coffers as well.

“With the rise of cryptocurrency, more transactions are made in crypto instead of specie, round dollars, U.S. gold eagles, greenbacks, simoleons, yen, renminbi, or roubles,” NYC assistant comptroller and bow tie aficionado Finneas T. Cholmondeley [pronounced Chumley] stated as he worked the crowd at a plaza outside some random finance company’s building in Lower Manhattan.

“We need to make sure that potholes get filled, even though we have also the congestion tax on vehicles entering our beloved island across its bridges and tunnels. After all, a pedestrian walking or an e-bike rider blasting through the grid at far above the legal speed limit, leaving a wake of pedestrian destruction and chicken feathers in his or her wake, might also be affected by potholes in a negative manner,” Mr. Cholmondely continued.

“At least with cryptocurrency, our money did not try to write poetry or paint pictures for us,” the comptroller stated, his voice weakening.

“I would rather… [pause to hyperventilate]… I would rather see the re-rise of the crypto bro than the AI bro, the latter who is, in the abstract, taking a lot of the fun out of our days,” Sir Finneas elucidated, his recent knighthood showing.

“Not to worry, though… I have, with full regard for my dual citizenship, put a cut-out in the tax provisions such that if you first convert your DOGELONMARS coins to pounds-sterling (£), you can gain the property tax-free, in honor of the special relationship between the USA and the UK — — formerly known more elegantly as Merrie Auld England of course.”

“After all, you didn’t separate from The UK, you separated from England, did you not?” the comptroller rhetorically questioned the increasingly puzzled observers, with the semiquincentennial of the US at the forefront of his forebrain.

“After all, with the sestercentennial, bisesquicentennial, or quarter millennium mere weeks away, we must be mindful of such important milestones and enact policy to match,” the Mr. Cholmondeley concluded.

As both pounds-sterling and DOGELONMARS sounded suspiciously like the metric system to the gathered crowd, said crowd gradually begin to lose interest, and many of them wandered off to find an underground speakeasy type bucket shop that would let them bet on the prices of GPU-teraflops per peck, or data centers per hectare; real American units of measure that they could understand.